WASHINGTON – Shocking revelations have been found to support the “Birthers”—the group that questions whether President Obama was born in the U.S.—as it has been confirmed that, not just Obama, but nearly all of our nation’s Presidents were born in Kenya.

According to a Bean Soup Times investigation, at least 40 of our 44 Presidents were born from the same small Kenyan village. This information is based on the fact that we have not seen the original birth certificate of Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and many others. It is therefore safe to conclude that, like Obama, they are Kenyan.

“This would explain why Reagan wore those Maasai dresses in the Oval Office,” said presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin.

“I just assumed he was gay,” she added, shaking her head in shock.

This research solves many presidential mysteries, including why Gerald Ford only spoke Swahili and the reason FDR always wished to be able to run a marathon.

This information should change our view of history, as distinctly American traits like JFK’s good looks and Lincoln’s good beard are now known to have existed thanks to the same Kenyan midwife.

Other Kenyan-American presidents include James Madison and George W. Bush.

“Aw, come on,” said Al Gore, when informed that his former rival George W. Bush was Kenyan. “I was just getting over that one.”

“That’s coming up in therapy next week,” mumbled a sad Gore.

The Kenyan village, which has been churning out U.S. leaders since the 18^th century, has confirmed the presidential births. The village spokesman, however, fiercely denied a rumor that Richard Nixon was also an African native.

“That one was all yours,” the spokesman said.

A New York-native, Daniel Perlman is a comic, writer, and college student. He writes regularly for Punchline Magazine. You can contact him at DanJPerl89@yahoo.com.

by Daniel Perlman

PHOENIX—An unidentified man with a loaded gun at a Presidential town-hall meeting is making some reasonable points, according to petrified citizens in the crowd. 

“He’s making sensible comments about the intricacies of a single-payer system,” said Phoenix resident Mike Allen, adding that he initially disagreed with the man’s opposition to health-care reform until he saw the man’s loaded AR-15.

“Then I got the idea,” Allen added, nervously looking over his shoulder.

The man with the strapped semi-automatic rifle is clearly the star of the events. He has made all but five comments throughout the 90-minute meeting, inquiring about socialism, the Constitution, and “Who wants to mess?”Those in favor of health-care reform—including President Obama—have followed their vocal support by glancing in the man’s direction and saying the phrase, “But I could be wrong here.”

Few have questioned whether it’s appropriate to bring a loaded weapon to such a meeting.

“He can bring a thousand guns. That’s his Second Amendment right,” said Phoenix police officer Ron Lopate. “It’s a great country.”

Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley

Sgt. James Crowley, the white officer who arrested noted Black American scholar Dr. Henry Louis Gates Jr. has penned a book entitled “The Audacity of a False Arrest: How to Lock Up a High Profile Afro American and Win a Beer with the President.”

“The book is flying off the shelves,” said Crowley’s publicist. “So many police officers are coming to get the book…and some of them are Black. It’s amazing.”

In the book Crowley details the finer points of how to get that beer.

1. Arrest an affluent Afro American.

2. When someone calls YOU stupid, act as if they had called ALL police stupid.

3. Seize the time. With a Black President, this is a great time to play the race card in reverse.

President Obama and Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr. met with Henry Louis Gates Jr. and the police officer who arrested him, Sgt. James Crowley, at the White House on Thursday. Stephen Crowley/The New York Times

WHITE HOUSE--Feeling a real sense of power, and apparently channeling the spirit of Al Pacino from Dog Day Afternoon, Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr dared Sgt. James Crowley to arrest him now while they drank beer at the White House with Brother President Barack Obama. 

The meeting started off very civilized. After the first beer, the men agreed to disagree, but after the eight beer, things got a little testy when Sgt. Crowley joking said, "Remember, I know where you live."

Gates did not appreciate the humor. "Arrest me now, chump," Prof. Gates said during the fourth beer. "Put your gun down. Why you got your gun out? Attica, Attica, Attica!!"

Pres. Obama remained calm during the exchange. "Henry, you know his weak ass ain't gonna do ^%$#."

VP Joe Biden, who nervously shook and threw beer nuts in his mouth, remained quiet during the heated exchange. 

After the meeting, in a press conference, Sgt. Crowley gave a word of inspiration to police officers nationwide. "Only in a country where we could elect the first Black president can a white police officer be rewarded for racial profiling with a beer from the president...on the White House lawn."